2002-12-17 - 11:21 a.m.

Over the weekend I worked myself into a frenzy. A job that happens to be on my top-five list of Jobs I Should Have became available. The company happens to be in San Francisco, but nevermind that part. In my excitement, I called my current boss (Senior Editor) to request a reference letter. I realize that�s it�s not customary to request a reference from your current boss. In fact, most people prefer that their current bosses not know when they�re looking for another job. However, Senior Editor is insane. She despises the company that employs us and wants nothing more than to sabotage it. She actually told me about another job last year. I applied, got it, quit, worked there for six months, and came crawling back to my current situation. Anyhow, she�s pleased as punch whenever she hears of someone quitting. It gives her a satisfaction that her two cats and weekly Home Shopping Network purchases can�t provide.

When I called, she was "too sick to talk." She is always sick. She�s not in good health, and she catches every virus/flu/etc. that comes along. Unfortunately, she wasn�t entirely socialized, and she doesn�t know about covering her mouth when she coughs. She coughs right in people�s faces. And I have never heard a louder cough. A certain coworker and I have taken to calling her "Bioterrorist" whenever she�s sick.

By Monday morning, I�d decided that I didn�t want to tell her about how I�m applying to new jobs. I should at least wait until I get a phone call. She came into my cubicle to explain (in detail) why she couldn�t talk over the weekend. I received a graphic play-by-play. Senior Editor likes to use alarmist/militaristic language when she describes her illnesses. She said this to me: "It was like Attack of the Killer Bowels!" This is verbatim. She also explained how "stuff was shooting rapid-fire out of both ends at the same time! There was no controlling it!" Why, God?!

If I don�t hear back from my Dream Company, I have another scheme: I grew up with one of the cute boys on Gilmore Girls. He and I were in a play together in sixth grade. He played a valiant dragon slayer and sang a song about saving the world from the terror of dragons. I think he is/was tone deaf. It�s funny stuff. I figure E! would pay decent money for this footage? Probably not, but I�m grabbing at straws here. In this play, I was an old maid named Mada. I made my hair white with shoe polish and sang a sad, sad song about never having known the love of a man and how I wish I�d been born a princess. I was a foot taller than my classmates and had a spectacular unibrow. I wonder why I'm not a star on Gilmore Girls??

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