2003-10-30 - 11:59 a.m.

I think a certain woman is trying to ruin my life. She�s an illustrator I�ve been stuck working with for several months. Her artwork is bizarre, to say the least. I�ve nicknamed it "Jowls for Jesus," since her zany little characters have flat faces with little pink circles where their jawlines should be. And they love Jesus. Yesterday this woman lied to me, belittled me, passive-aggressively threatened me. The lie she told me: "A colleague of mine saw my product that you made while on a sales call, and she thought your designers had done a terrible job, truly terrible." (All of her accusations are made in a sugary sweet, little-girl voice that makes my skin crawl.) How do I know she�s lying? We haven�t printed anything yet! It�s impossible that anyone would�ve seen anything we�ve created using her wretched little jowl people. I�m about ready to throttle her with a WWJD bracelet.

In other thrilling work-related news, I just can�t catch a break in our office Marriage Porn betting pool. Yesterday, us gamblers wagered on how many smooching sounds Bob would make while getting busy with his various ladies. I actually thought about it and aimed high, betting he would make at least eight. I overbid. He only made six. I was counting on that $30 to help me justify spending $47 to see A Mighty Wind. But I can�t justify that; I�m not going.

This weekend, Erik, our pal Dan, and I are driving up to the sleepy town of Bishop to surprise our friend James for his birthday. James and his lovely wife (Penelloppe) moved up there with Thoreau-ish "I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to confront only the essential facts of life" intentions. I�m underwhelmed by Bishop, but I really love Jim and Pen. We�ve worked it all out with Pen, and it will be such a swell surprise. (I�m trying to convince the guys to join me in showing up wearing wigs and some sort of costuming.) And I can�t wait to go hiking.

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