2003-07-02 - 11:49 p.m.

I�m up too late, listening to old tracks that Erik�s old band (The C. Movement) recorded. And I feel so nostalgic, wistful, wishing I hadn�t turned my life upside down for a spell. Of course, I�m blaming myself for the band�s demise, even though I was only a fringe sort of person. I only sang on a few songs, but when Erik and I split, the band�s main guy (Huck) said a lot of awful things about me. Long story short, there was a major division in the band (which was already shaky) and they broke up.

Listening to these songs is so strange. It takes me right back to how I felt a year ago, reminds me of where I thought my life was heading (and of how I actually had a clear idea), makes me wish I could play the pedal steel.

I think Mr. Huck is a gifted songwriter. If nothing else, he should be selling his songs to better singers in Nashville. I know that�s sell-out city, but it's better than what he's doing now - working as a handyman; his wife is working at a bank; they exist to pay their mortgage in a neighborhood they just had to live in. Whatever. Everyone has different priorities. I�m just missing old friends, old songs, nights of twangy camaraderie in smoky dive bars. I miss singing, miss trips to Joshua Tree, miss planning the C. Movement Olympics (an absurd plan that involved all sorts of competitions in running, swimming, shotput, what have you). Please tell me that life is really an oscillation between complication and simplicity, not just a steady progression that becomes more and more difficult and confusing.

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