2003-06-12 - 1:10 p.m.

Sometimes my job feels very silly. Like yesterday. The entire creative department was crammed into a small stuffy room and told to conduct a spontaneous brainstorm. We were supposed to suddenly dream up brilliant new ideas for calendars. I know what you�re thinking. You�re thinking, "That�s easy: Harry Potter, that lady who dresses up babies as flowers and bumble bees, Dilbert, Chicken Soup for You and Everyone�s Mother, J. Lo! George W. Bush!" Well, maybe you weren�t thinking that, but that is what Americans buy. And those are licenses, and licenses are expensive. I don�t work for a publishing company who invests in expensive licenses, so we�re left to write our own wacky jokes and inspirational thoughts. And the designers draw many, many flowers and hearts and cakes. Anyway, we were instructed to come up with new "concepts" and "formats." For example, the ca1endar with a pocket is wildly successful, as is the ca1endar with a mini bulletin board attached to it. But yesterday, the storming of brains was not inspired. In fact, it was weird. Here are some of the ideas we dreamed up:

1. An ovulation ca1endar. (for women trying to get pregnant, includes stickers for marking ovulation, prime fertility days, etc.)

2. A color pencil by numbers calendar. (Another publisher already made a Paint By Number ca1endar, so we�ll just make a color pencils one. When I pointed out how the numbers would still show through after you colored, no one seemed to think that would be a problem.)

3. A ca1endar that�s actually Mr. Potato Head (I�m unclear how this one works.)

4. Ca1endars on clear plastic sheets that you attach to your car window.

5. A ca1endar with stuffed animals on it.

6. A ca1endar that�s also a deck of cards. (There was some excitement when someone pointed out that there are 52 cards in a deck and 52 weeks in a year. We thought we�d had a stroke of genius, but we hadn�t.)

7. A Frisbee Golf ca1endar that�s shaped like a Frisbee. (Everyone needs one of those, don�t they?)

8. A ca1endar that contains a snuff box for hiding your drug stash. (This was suggested by our department�s manager. The third time she suggested it, Dear Edwin and I exchanged nervous glances.)

I�ll stop now. I have to go invent a "Romance Kit." It contains a scented candle for getting you in the mood, if you know what I�m sayin�. Too bad the candle smells like a combination of baby powder and insect repellant. It gets me in the mood to vomit, and my desk drawer is full of them right now.

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